my soul, interrupted.

cheers to you.

2009-02-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

a cheers to life and it's unexpected twists and turns.

so this blogspot/xanga bullshit i've been on for years, was somewhat a form of expressing myself to my friends, random strangers, and just re reading entry after entry, thinking to myself "what the fuck was i thinking back then?"
and then another reason to this was because i had nights or let me rephrase that, my insomnia mornings, where all i really wanted to do was vent.

in the past 2 months i've done nothing but vent to people, mostly my close homegirls, and i've vented, and vented, and cried, and had sleepless nights because the struggles i've had with my heart, well i'm still struggling, but i'm keeping my heart and mind busy. thank goodness for full time jobs, yes, i have a full time job now, for the past 8 months i was at home bitching and whinning about not working, and now that i am, i'm bitching and whinning about being tired, but it pays the bills, and then some. within those 8 months, 4 months of it belonged to something different, it was something that felt nice. the only person that can make me feel a world of emotions all at the same time =/

i've hit a few bumps on the road, actually a handful of bumps, whether it be personal or financial, but i've managed to keep a straight face, most of the time. *secrets out, i hide it very very well =/ i think thats why im extremely fascinated with listening to others talk about what's going on with their lives, rather than paying attention to my own.

i'm turning 23, on the 24th of february, i want to be done already. i want to manage my time wisely, i want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. i want to explore the world, my way. i want someone to feel the love i have to give. (queenz, if i stole that from you, i'm sorry). i want knowledge beyond belief, i also want to read more books, mostly i just want everything that'll make me happy in some shape or form.

*this being done stuff, it's going to be a long road ahead, but i'll find my way there, no ones going to stop me, and no ones going to tell me otherwise, i know what i'm getting myself into, so please just let me be, this is in regard to school.

i'm not sure why i'm even doing this entry, i've read a couple random peoples blogspots, and they've all pretty much talk about they're thoughts and concerns, and i'm here reading what i wrote, and its mostly about me, to the readers out there, maybe i will find something juicy to write about? maybe when i'm on my lit tip. who knows? until then...

"let me be the one who can take you from all the things you see, and if you trust in me, i can be that through anything you need, and give it all to me baby, dont run from me baby"

On Sunday..

2008-12-28T08:40:00.000-08:00

saturday, saturday, saturday.
it went by so fast, granted that i woke up @ 3pm.
coffee with aileeen, and movie with rachael.
benjamin button, great movie, long movie, but great!
then headed to LA for echo plex, soul jazz funk music.
i<333 break beats.

here's where sunday comes into play..
home 3am.
slept @ 6am.
woke up @ 7am
slept for 30 minutes.
woke up @730am.
total hours of sleep: 1hour30minutes.

i can' go back to sleeep.
i can't go back to sleep.
....i feel like i'm walking on someones thin ice
and i dont like it.
i'll get over it, maybe, maybe not.

it just fit for todays thoughts.

2008-12-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

today's horoscope.

You may experience a decidedly awkward moment today when you realize that something you have been fighting for just isn't that important to you anymore. It's not that your opinion has changed; it's just that you have gained a broader perspective and can understand all sides of the issue. Nevertheless, don't be too accommodating. It's better to hold your position now than to try to regain it later on.

dumbdeedumbdeee

2008-12-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

motherfucker`
i wish i could get into detail.
eh.

whadaawhaadaaa

2008-11-02T04:27:00.001-08:00

becuz i can't sleep yet.

i'm tired.
i'm sore.
thank you halloween
thank you sportsman bar.
thank you drinks.
thank you weeed.
thank you FRIENDS.
thank you MUSIC
and MUCH THANKS to DANCING.
thank you RAIN and peaceful slumber.

not so thankful about the hangover @ 830am.
and not so thankful about walking around disneyland till about 5pm.
and an hour nap doesn't cut it for me either.
but i'm up @ 430am.
when its really 530am.

ouchie.
monday is the dayy.

thee end from the gibberish aspect.
gooooooooodnight.

closer

2008-10-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

i'm stuck.

i'm not sure where the hell i belong, what the hell im doing, and what the fuck is happening.
but im here standing still, not expecting, not wishing, and not having any control, just standing.

thank you.

extravagante` weeek.

2008-09-23T02:17:00.000-07:00

its almost 3am.
and im singing "here i am stuck in the middle with you".
not sure why, maybe it was in a commercial, but "here i am stuck in the middle with you"
hahahaha.

so with all the unexpected events that happen to go my wayy last week, i needed this weekend to have fun and spend time with my girls, and by golly, what an eventful close to a horrible week.

thank you darryll and arthur gonzales for throwing an awesome party on friday with awesome folks, good vibes, backyard fun, smoke out sessions, shotguns, shots, and a endless amount of beer.
i reconnected with a bunch of people i haven't seen in years, made some new friends, and had no worries to take care of anyone, twas a night of having a grand ole` time.

saturday, woke up still feeeling hella faded. spent time with my parents, and had lunch at my nanay's where i spent most of the time listening to them rant about the problems that exist in my grandparents house, i couldn't help but wanna cry when my grandma started to cry, boo.
that night, we had a girls only sleepover at anaheim, well duh what else would we talk about,
relationships, sex, drugs, and alcohol. i fell asleep peacefully at 6am.

sunday i slept all day.
i didnt' watch my tfc.
i slept, and slept.
till there was no more sleepin involved.

there you go, my weeekend.
nothing extravagante`
but fuck it, im tired.
i wanna get in depth with you all
but thats going to wait.
i spent too much time on a myspace bulletin.
hahahahahah, i'm lame.

goodweek folks`

mommy love.

2008-09-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

happy 50th birthday mom!

ranting.

2008-09-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

i finally got my brain back.

somewhere during the spring and throughout the summer, i happen to have misplaced my brain, but rest assure, its back and i think better than ever.

school's back.
i'm going on my 3rd week, already!
its going by fast
but i'm keeping busy.

vegas was fun for the most part.
just hella hot and as far as gambling, that place put a hole in my pocket.
the wedding was beautiful, i had tears coming down, i couldn't help myself.
im lame when it comes to weddings.
hanging out with the fambam is always a pleasure.
ill be back in a couple weeks, holller!

its funny how people's mindset are when they go to vegas,
they put they're lives on hold, and party for days, and then come sunday
and they get back to reality.
so i guess thats what i did, i said fuck whatever i was going thru in cali,
i'm in vegas for 2 days, let me fucckin live.
i ate like a pig, i drank, smoked my lungs out, and gambled money i could of used for
schoool.

now monday came, and i was back on track.
tuesday came, and i was on point with shit.
and before long i get a "it was nice knowing you"
i had to laugh. i thought maybe. but lets move on now.
i just think wayy too much it gets me in trouble.
but dont judge the way i am with how i think.
its comes with the package. i'm a slow psych major
but i make sense.

on to other things.
the bay area was callin out to me this weekend.
but with no funds, i had to passs.
but soon SF, sooon.

i also wanna take a trip to Seattle,
we have a new edition to the Esguerra clan.
koah london esguerra born 9/11 @ 11pm 7lbs 11oz.
born to michael and lindsay esguerra.
so i have a reason to go up there too.
and one more edition in the next couple weeks.
babies everywhere!

theres a piece of my life.
its boring.
but i have fans.
so there you have it.

changes must be made

2008-09-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

vegas for the weeekend, with my other family.
avy and pat's wedding extravaganza in the city of sin.
how awesome is that! finally after 10 years, they tie the knot.
anyways, we leave friday morning.
apparently we have this agenda, to get as fucked up as we can.
oh and to get some sun before we head out to TAO friday night.
then saturday recover, until the wedding in the afternoon.
wedding, then reception, then PURE.
then back to reality of long beach on sunday.
then monday comes, and I AM goin to start a new life.
seriously it takes a look mirror to fucckin realize shit.
i'm done, i'm doing well, but i need to push more.
i need more motivation.
i need more strength.
i need drive.
i need me to focus on me, and not on anyone else.

my happiness should only come first.
and YOU were right.
in order for me to love someone, i must love me and be comfortable with me.

i want to say more, but i'm done.
i gotta clean my closet, drawers, and bed.
i'm tired.
schoool.
schoool.
and more schoool.

i need employment, as well.

aww the memories.

2008-08-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

the definition of the night, led to this statement.

"throwing up the alcohol is making me really high"

dimerz reunion, made me wanna tear`
and i'm only a dimer` familyy.
HA!

"summertime, in the LBC"
awww the good days.

loyal fan base.

2008-08-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

i'm not diggin how i'm still gettin haunted by my past.
i've actually lived a better life without the unwanted drama
and mistakes i've made before.
i'm happy now.

yes alright this blog has an easy trace for you fuckers to
read into whatever it is that's going down in my life.
but shit, take it easy. i've forgot about you and you should forget about me.
but i'll tell you one thing, i do enjoy waking up in the morning with
thoughts about my present day life, and things i wanna look forward to in the future.
while your no life, snooping around fuckers, check up on me.
thanks you, kindly.

this is for you.

ahhh yes.

2008-08-22T02:31:00.000-07:00

here i am, again.

read me, write to me, or just be.

i've got thoughts and rants i must vent out.

this is my source.

yadigg?!

goodnight.